Lovepal Bill For the Corrupt Dil: Best Relationship Advice Ever!

You may ask, what makes me qualified to say I’m going to give you the best relationship advice ever! And you would be right too. But I have my share of trysts with the ladies and I have also been married for the last 11 years. Good experience no? 🙂

Asha Bhonsle & Parveen Babi sang it right -way back in 1982:-

Jawaani jaan-e-man haseen dilruba

Milein do dil jawaan nisaar ho gaya

Shikaari khud yahaan shikaar ho gaya

Yeh kya sitam huwa

Yeh kya zulam huwa

Yeh kya ghazab huwa

Yeh kaise kab huwa

Na jaanoon main na jaane woh, AAha…

(Repeat this AAha.. in your mind ; with a painful sound emerging from your very lower abdomen .

(Image courtesy: Google)

The most primitive human instincts have been — competition and mind-romance. Hindi movies have complicated our lives because we want to play the characters. I see almost every guy somewhere enacting the dialogues / style / vibes of the trending actors (a Raj or a Rahul). Girls look more mired in Bollywood /Hollywood/ FB / TV trends than even guys. The situation has got more complicated with the ‘Communication Revolution’ bringing in ‘a splendid display of emotions’ possible. While I’m trying to share with you the best relationship advice that I have gathered over the years, I can’t help but ‘LOL’ at some of the funny Facebook updates about love that I read recently:-

• ‘Letters start with ‘abc’, numbers start with 123, music starts with ‘do re mi’ and love starts with you and me! (Facepalm moment)
• And she said “ you are crazy” and I said “just for you baby”.
• The day I met you was my favorite accident and even today I love those injuries. (Seriously??)
• My love for you is like a rose with thorns. I hold you, knowing you will hurt me. But I am willing to bleed for you. (Speechless)

People are living two lives — one on the FB ; and the other — whatever little remains from FB. I really don’t understand how people can love Facebook and Twitter so much. They will never love you back. DON’T YOU GET IT!

Further – Email enabled mobile phones, WhatsApp, Messenger, Free video calls, 3G and whatever G! Ladki wait karti hai kab gyaarah bajenge aur kab Night Calling free hogi aur kab JAANU mera number milaayenge..Gyaarah Bajte hain and the phone rings and the girl screams. “Hi jaaaaaaan!!! Love you Muaaah…AUR BATAAO”… Kuch baat hi nahi hai karne ko toh aur kya batayega bechaara. . When there’s nothing to talk, I have seen  couples talking about how many chappatis they ate today and compared the numbers with their ex!! His only hope remains that his Jaanu will one day learn from Deepika Padukone and says at least once — ‘Seedhay Point pe aao naa’…

And there can be nothing worse that a couple who loves to kiss on phone. You will get to listen to a variety of sounds; the weirdest being the sound of a hose pipe being sucked out of the tap. What ??? And why ?? Alexander Graham Bell must have been suffering a heart attack again and again even after dying – looking at the use; his fabulous invention is being put to.

Then those auspicious festivals and days – Rose day , Gobhi day — so many days. The girl and the boy meet at some place and click photos for FB! And the best part is after wasting all the time they then wait for the comments for which they refresh their homepage every 10 seconds. Some cool mutual friend Raghvan ‘cool biceps’ Malhotra will comment: Hey broda! Lukin cute mahn…sitin at CCD na? 6 people like this. !! All of it leads to we spending loads of energy -telling the world that I am a ‘Freak’ & a ‘Cool’ guy / girl? Such a waste of time, energy & your own electricity!

Hindi movies create a need that ‘every guy / girl is in a relationship and it will be so unfashionable if I am not into’. Everyone has a bf / gf— if I don’t have I will be so stupid.  Saala koi aas paas bachtaa hee nahin hai jo kahe ki — ‘you can do without a bf / gf ‘.

“To wear your heart on your sleeve isn’t a very good plan;  You should wear it inside, where it functions best.”

People falling in love from a distance on the basis of FB status updates and pics is nothing but testosteronic love ; which will vaporize with the next available chance / point of catharsis. Actually the genesis of this is —‘boys fall in love with Adobe Photoshop’. The girl who actually looks like Johnny Lever, with the help of photoshop , now, looks like a cheap version of Sherlyn Chopra and what exactly a boy wants! BANG!! Yaad rakhiye — “ FB ke profile picture aur profile ke owner ke asli chehre mein aksar door door tak koi rishta nahi hota”  

The point here is not to body-shame but to point out the fact that people are hardly being genuine these days. How can Love survive in a place where there is no honesty? Read ‘What’s wrong with Relationships in Today’s Society’.

‘I don’t care ‘who you are’, ‘where you are from’, ‘what you do’; as long as you Love me’— the hot favorite song by Backstreet Boys is not applicable these days. The present version is, ‘I care, who you are, where you are from, what you did, who cares if you love me’- the hot favorite song not from Backstreet Boys but EveryStreet Boys! If any of the partners in love is not doing too well in his /her other life (social, academic, career, finance) – the chance is the relationship will begin to show cracks soon. Kyunki aaj kal Izzat pyaar se badhkar hai..Pyaar ko gaali dena, Izzat ko nahi..:)

Har pyaar ko pareeksha se guzarana padta hai. The board exams of so called true Love begin — when they end up in the bed. As you sit for more papers; your interest towards class 10^th begins to diminish; by the time you reach the 5^th paper —you have already started thinking of class 11^th …And eventually you start thinking about B TECH.        

Every love changes; once it happens. Baad mein ‘kuch kuch hona’ band ho jaata hai aur ‘ kuch bhi nahin hota’ hai! Familiarity breeds contempt. Your attraction for anything that you achieve is bound to come down. And if in today’s world — you are getting options,( which then actually seem good even if they aren’t ) and if you still are not engaged legally (because the grass is greener ) — you are bound to graze the grass on the other side.

(Image courtesy: Google)

Then the break up happens in the Ekta Kapoor way. Chewing gum kee tarah kheench kheench kar emotional melodrama peak pe hota hai tab. You begin liking songs as ‘Sun raha hai naaaaaa tuuuuuuu’ . Reason: – ‘Mind loves negativity’. FB statues change to something like :- ‘Tujhe Bhula Diya…’ and 5 friends who know whatever happened between the two you — ‘LIKE’ that status. That is the awwwww-ish time of life. Even the Aaloo ka parantha that you are eating in the breakfast seems to say awwwww at your condition and ‘pickle and curd likes it’  !! 😀

I genuinely empathize with the species ‘Breakup non-sapience’; who are mired in an udaasi / boredom / diljale situation of an indescribable kind.

‘Zameen se ugti hai ya aasman se aati hai .. Ye be iraada udaasi kahan se aati hai’.

If you’re looking for sympathy, you’ll find it in the dictionary between “shit” and “syphilis”.

Most relationships break / go wrong because; at the outset they start with the wrong person because you didn’t wait for your right man / woman & just let the next happening happen to you … Guys / Girls fail to generate / sustain love amongst their family because of which they so much get wanting of ‘Emotional dependence’ on people outside of home & they just end up having someone at that place. I see so many many young lives just ‘stuck up’ in boring relationships. They do not even have the guts / creativity to either better the relationship out or to get out of it. Read: 5 ways to use your Break-up as Motivation to Re-invent yourself

An old hindi song beautifully says :-

‘Wo Afsaana jise anjaam taq laana naa ho mumkin ; usay aek khoobsurat mod dekar chodna achaa..’

But then wait — the moment you break up — ‘The next one is waiting to happen’. And trust me — ‘you’ll love him/ her similarly, truly, madly and deeply’… before saying ‘AAhaa…’ 🙂 . See what Liz Hurley is doin. After breaking up with Arun Nayar, she fell in love with Shane Warne, and she says-“I have never felt like this before..” Bhool gayi ek saal pehle Arun ke saath bhi aisa hi laga tha…Hamein yaad hai!!Tum kaise bhool gayi??.. .

After all, relationships are like shampoos. Readily available today in ‘sachet packs’

As a Motivational Speaker, I have seen and heard many love stories, very few of them happy ones. Majority of the stress emails I have got, are because people are either too fickle or too caught up in their relationships. The thing people need is a balance, more than anything.

To summarize, the point that I am trying to make with all the sarcasm above is –

• Believe in real life love; not reel life.
• Create a relationship that thrives in the offline world more than on Facebook  /Instagram
• Talk less but have deeper conversations, instead of non-stop but with no content.
• Save your energy and your electricity for your life goals, instead of exhuming it all on him / her.
• Stop being the epitome of sadness!
• Find a balance.

I have written about relationships extensively in my blog. You can find those posts HERE. It may not be the best relationship advice according to conventions. But trust me, they work more often than not. After all, your real life is much different than the one you see on screens.

A healthy relationship will have trickle down affect on other aspects of your life. It will show in your professional life and also the way you deal with family and friends. So, if you are stuck on the highway of love, you may also want to have a look at: Pyaar Ka Antnaaama; Have a Happy Break-up if you are trying to move on but are not able to. Sooner is always better than later.

I also have this Kick-ass event called Lovepal Bill; that I have loved doing for brave corporates who want the love lives of their teams sorted before they enter the workplace and also for smart students who like to be warned of what might await them at the other side of this whole relationship chapter of their lives. In fact, it is a Valentine’s Day favorite with most institutes who have signed me up for their college fests! Do check it out, in case this is just what you need!

Lastly, “Babooji dheere chalnaa…. pyaar mein, zara sambhalnaa…” 🙂

Akash Gautam

About Author

World’s Top Corporate Organizations including 30+ of the NIFTY-50 companies in India trust Akash as their Keynote Motivational Speaker. India’s premier colleges like IIMs, IITs, SRCC too go to him whenever they need a refreshing, big bang impact. Write to us to know how he can transform your Team.