Starting to look for a match because
-you are nearing 30 or
-because you are bored & have nothing much else to do or
-you had a bad break up & need a reason to move on
are too weak reasons to start window shopping for via an arranged marriage.
A strong starting point will be to get a good self-clarity on what you want or expect from your marriage. Understanding your own self, your shortcomings and your purpose is 50 percent of the total part.
Your blindly dreaming & hoping to find something super exciting (without you actually knowing your purpose & your own self) are likely to lead to exhaustion and frustration only.
We are living in times where it is difficult to get married, easy to get divorced and very easy to get into relationships. And finding the RIGHT PERSON via an Arranged Marriage situation can get really tricky. The entire process is too random involving casino type hit & trail probabilities. Some of the finest people who do everything else right in their lives get confronted with destiny delays and errors about matrimony. I have seen so many of them finally settling with a compromised one (because of fatigue of search).
Here is how you could increase your chances of feeling lucky at the end of your arranged marriage search: –
1) In an arranged marriage, anything can strike gold. Marriages need a lot of luck and luck is all the more when it is an arranged marriage. One definite way to get lucky is to marry only when you are emotionally and financially independent. Your matured, attractive grace will become your luck then.
If you think you are good (i.e. settled professionally, emotionally, are physically fit, Independent financially), only then it is the time to start looking for the RP (Right person). Do not marry before this. Your age could be anywhere between 25 & 40 then. 35 is not too late and 26 is not early.
An incomplete person is likely to attract similar energy e.g. if you have mental health issues, sort them first before you complicate yours and someone else’s life. You still carrying some unhealed energies of your past. Take time. Heal first. Marriage should multiply joy, not wounds.
“It takes two to make a marriage a success but only one to make it a failure.”
– Someone said it.
2) Take a lot of time (extra time) to get arranged married. Use this time very wisely to optimize your search engine to identify the right person. Most arranged marriages fail because of RUSH. And this RUSH is usually because of parental pressure. Parents have a job to do. But you have an entire life ahead. Learn the subtle art of ‘Just listening to them(with one ear) & not getting emotional about what they say’. Practise till you become perfect in it. Soak in the wisdom of your parent’s viewpoints but let them not overwhelm your perspectives (if you are the RP yourself).
You spent so much time preparing for entrance exams or working your way through that coveted job but you lose your patience about finding the RP and give in early. So be prepared to feel like an Ass (could happen).
The most important two things in a marriage are compatibility and understanding (maturity of the person). And figuring out these two in a few hours of meeting is impossible. That is why ‘Luck’ gets involved. The only way to reduce the ‘Luck’ is to take TIME knowing & understanding the person. If he/she doesn’t have time & shows exigency, this is good news. That person is definitely not for you.
Don’t just talk with the boy/girl but also have a conversation with the family. You might just get a lot of cues in there. See how they treat their workers, maid, waiter, customer care executives on phone etc. More cues will appear. That is why, take TIME.
3) If you think you yourself are a RP, then use leverage to tell the world that you exist. Spend money, advertise in newspapers, online, more. Maybe the RP exists somewhere and he/she does not know that you too exist.
Shout out to the world that you exist. By doing this, you increase the chances of meeting up the RP. Sample set enhancement, they term this in statistics.
4) It is OK if you handle the correspondence of matrimonial emails / calls yourself. Parents are likely to get excited even about kheera, pyaaz, lehsun & even tindaa type matches. And then they will keep running after your life. So, take control. Give them control at the right time.
5) Bad choice of word but arranged marriage should be treated like how a Corporate Organization would identify a prospective merger / acquisition deal. Ruthlessly say NO to people who do not clear the basic cut off of your criterion. Dowry, Poor Energy, any Habits of addiction are clear cut filters. Strict NO.
Show offs, lying about self, hot headedness, relationship addiction in the past are good filters too to say ‘Thank you! It was good to connect. But Tata Bye Bye!’
An important caveat: – Don’t be dominated by sheer biological instincts or sheer communication skills (most people do this). Beauty & English fluency are just an outer shell. The deeper bond is a billion-dollar feeling. A very good friend of mine married a JPEG only girl. Poor chap. For many months, he could not even run away from the house because of corona lockdown. Now he has.
6) At any point of ongoing time, you must be evaluating 4-5 people. It doesn’t make you character less or would lead to viral disease. Spending many weeks checking out one person and then if it doesn’t work out is a colossal waste of time. It would build a lot of anxious energy in your system leading to potential RUSH and recklessness in future. Swayamvar Multi-tasking is absolutely OK.
7) Once a shortlist is ready- Get background checks done. And background checks do not happen on Insta stories or FB Newsfeeds of the person. Use your connections to ascertain data, character points about the person and his family.
My friend got himself and his could be RP checked at Dr Lal Pathlabs. Blood tests. Sounds extreme. But totally logical. You reading Customer reviews on Amazon for a 250 INR purchase but too excitedly hurried to background check someone who you will wake up with for the rest of your life? You are cute.
8) Do not get exhausted while during searching the RP. Feel as if you are the king / queen and take that swyamvar type feeling with what is happening. It is all about your attitude. Do not feel guilty at all about saying NO and also do not feel bad when you listen to NO. Enjoy this process but asap reject the wrong people as soon as you think it is not working; so you can reach the right one sooner.
And please definitely learn to communicate NO especially if you ate a lot of Kaaju Barfi during the formal meeting. ‘No communication’ can really get frustrating for the buyer of Kaaju Barfi.
9) You will be lucky if your RP too agrees with the concept of simple marriage. Use your parent’s money to reduce your home loan or build any good asset which will come handy to both of you. Fancy marriages are a waste of money and those relatives who do not agree with this are snakes. One needs the right attitude to enjoy one’s marriage ceremonies. Definitely not lots of money. Priyanka Chopra Vs Yami Gautam’s marriage e.g.
Marriage is a long-term relationship. Wedding is a one-time event. And you should know where to put maximum energy and money into.
10) Be it your work, your marriage, your finances or whatever else you do – it is entirely up to you to make it work fantastically. Be careful because arranged marriages, unlike Myntra will not refund or take back your defective or undersized item. And if finding him is taking some extra time, do not move around like an exhausted soul. Patience Tiger(ess).
It can get frustrating. But do not give up. Keep believing that your best is just around the corner. Don’t settle for anything less than what you deserve or desire. And it’s absolutely okay if you don’t settle at all. It’s important to live your life than to spend it with someone else.