This blog post is for every girl / guy who is between 18 & 30 years of age. It is also very much for those who are 30+ but refuse to accept that they have grown. Keeping the child alive within you doesn’t always mean ‘you do whatever you want to do’! Here’s Vicky Loner’s (not Vicky Donor) guide on overcoming sex addiction on your own. Yes, I am NOT GOING TO mince words in this one, and YES, I am going to be sarcastic! Disclaimer: – Just not for people < 18.
Pyaar! Ishq! Mohabbat! Had this been it, we would have still had hope. But, the least talked about part of this story — ‘SEX’ -plays the role of an undercover mafia in the lives of the youth today; exercising too much control over what they think & how they look at their lives, careers, focuses & relationships. No it is not a blog on ‘sex education’ or about ‘how bad sex is’ & I’m definitely not going to write / advice ‘not to have it’. Why would anyone say that! We were all born out of it.
But what I want to share is — what happens NEXT. All this pertains to too much sex / sex thoughts with too many people.
P.S : This post is just not about your physical intimacies with your spouse. This is about overcoming sex addiction. Most married people are like Havells wires. They rarely catch fire & hardly have ‘SEX’ 🙂
As a part of my work as a Motivational Speaker; I regularly get to TALK at the Corporate Boardrooms / Top College campuses across India. My 3 very good friends strongly advised me not to publish this blog post. They believe— ‘I have an image to protect’. Writing on a topic as this might damage the way ‘people look at me’. My stand on this- ‘This Blog is answering a secret need with a majority of youth who are mired by their obsessions and compulsions’. Without sounding paternalistic- someone needs to get the RIGHT ways into their heads.
Scary but -every 7 out of 10 emails that I receive have issues which emanate from this aspect. Interacting with India’s best youth- this is all LEARNT while hearing & reading thousands of stories from young people. Below is the summary of what I understand about overcoming sex addiction, getting rid of those compulsive thoughts and creating a free-er life. Some of you may say, “there is nothing wrong with it” and would wish to continue you your life as it is. I implore you to read on!
Why is there a HOLLOW feeling at the end of ‘Too many Sex thoughts & wanton Sex’? :
Are you being too EASY?
Sex, sexy thoughts, sexting, sex drive — all these have become more exciting & enticing in these years than ever before because we are spoilt with choices. We have a race to win and we have technology at our beck & call. A situation like this is v regular these days — “you met someone online through a mutual friend & you started talking & chatting. You found the person to be really charming and instant likeliness happened (I fail to understand how this happens really) and you start chatting more. Talking and chatting, walking and chatting, eating and chatting, sleeping and chatting, basically, living and chatting.
You come home from college / office and you are really tired. But there is an incomplete conversation from yesterday that is nagging you more than your mom has ever nagged you for that overflowing beard or unkempt wardrobe or your way of life in general. And slowly, the fingers hit the touchpad and all ABCDs of life get screwed for the next hour or two. Assignments go to hell, deadlines become dead. And the thing that suffers max is — GOALS in life. By the time the guy drops his drops (Vicky wasted donor); both are too exhausted to do any really productive work. And hence the end to what could have been a really glorious 1-2 hours of super focus & productivity; now lying wasted.
Here’s how to Get Rid of Bad Habits, the Practical Way
The role of technology in this very sexy story of life is scary too. Skype, WhatsApp, Facebook messenger, sms, Gtalk, this that — and life falls flat; when youth give in to temptations so easily. You couldn’t resist sending something you would otherwise never in your dreams let your grandmom see, to the person at the other end of the communication line in a moment of extreme frenzy. Although rare- but it is quite possible that without your knowledge the person taped it all, made it available online — and before you can even blink, you are a commodity for people.
Account hacks and then blackmails, clandestine shootings etc are so much like a next door thing these days! Trust me- they happen. Ladies- your MAN whom you trust more than yourself is doing all this (in a majority of the confessions that reach me). Most guys say- ‘they are NOT like MOST Guys’ 🙂
Why ONLY men? Today’s women too have become bolder, meaner & ruthless about their needs & I do regularly hear crying men too. While I am glad they are becoming more confident and vocal, my concern remains the same – is addiction a good thing to have?
Have you ever thought, such Sexting Could Be Dangerous?
Is that the price you are ready to pay for this temptation called ‘sex’ which is actually nothing but — releasing your useless pent up energy with a wrong person? The temptation- which got accumulated because you had too much free time in life & no apparent goal? Result of most these sexcapades : ‘Mother sister unification (Maa- Behan Aek’) of your private lives.
People are more interested these days in the private lives of others that they keep logging into FB accounts and stalking people and checking out their check ins and tags. Poor social servants!
Lust is not equal to Love
I’m sure it is very romantic when someone you just met (or haven’t met) flirts with you like you have known each other for years and no nothing beyond each other. But what after that? Flirting is dangerous as it begins on the base of lust and 9.9 times out of 10 — it will definitely lead to any of Love, complications, mischiefs, heartbreaks and even complete disarray of the present normal self. Really? Are people that stupid these days to believe that a person loves you without knowing you or they are that stupid to actually fall for someone without knowing them?
It is OK if your friend has a sex life and you do not have. You could have a GOAL today and tomorrow thousands may love to chase you because of your ‘Awesomeness’. It doesn’t have to be like a Hindi movie always. What I’m trying to say is — if you have it, great! Don’t center your life on it. If you don’t have it, don’t crib. Create a good life for yourself & it will come along!
What I mean is – Sex need not be a taboo in your life. You should be able to discuss it openly if you want to. But it should definitely also not be the SCREENSAVER of your life!
If you don’t believe me, hear the logic behind why being a sex addict is living on a lower plane in your life: Sadhguru On How to Handle Sexuality.
I have had so many people come and talk to me about their estranged relationships; maximum of which were about — we got physical and then we broke up and now I can’t concentrate on life ahead! A lot of men use the bait of love to lust it out. Mostly what happens is — women get sexed up, and then axed up .It is so so easy to give in. Isn’t it?
May be you thought it is okay to do it once even if you don’t have enough love & you resolve that you won’t do it again. Let me tell you — it doesn’t happen that way. People get used to bodies. Rather, we think no one is watching. But the mind watches it all and personalizes the track of your focus engine accordingly. And you start believing that sex is the only way to relieve your stress. This continues and you start getting obsessed with sex and the likely thoughts. People may argue still, ‘What’s wrong with this need?’.
The answer lies here – If you thought ‘FUCK’ and ‘FOCUS’ could happen at the same time because fuck is a very natural thing & you can always train your mind to focus, you are WRONG. It just happens in Hollywood movies and sitcoms. Let me tell you what happens in real life simultaneously when you fuck (on line or in real). Those few minutes may be heaven but then, something dies and goes to hell after that; as both get busy in finding their clothes and rushing away to catch up with breath & life.
The most wasted time in the lives of the youth today is between 10 pm and 2 am. Just imagine- ‘If you could USE this time for your extreme focus towards your Life’. Imagine !!
Got too much free time?
Technically, sex is natural because it helps us relieve our extra energies. So, if you are too much obsessed with it, either you have too much free time or you are eating too much. That is when obsessions and addictions come up. It is born out of desire. Between two people in love, it is a way of merging with one another, of enjoying the togetherness. But if it is the only way to do that, it is bound to become mechanical and routine like after a while. That is when people start looking for attractive new things and start finding their relationships to be boring.
On the other hand, having things other than sex in your relationship might not only help you achieve your goals together but also make the ‘love making’ part more enjoyable. A common Goal / a common focus or a hobby goes a long way to emotionally bind people in relationships. Because if YOU completely lose yourself in a relationship ONLY; then who’s going to find YOU if & when the relationship is lost? And overcoming this sex obsession is not an uphill task really. People struggle when they try to repress it. And they fail miserably. Neither too much indulgence nor too much abeyance will help. Rather, thought equilibrium is needed.
Three things can benefit tremendously: Meditation, Fitness & a good portfolio of Goals. Lazy people mess up more. If in spite of your best efforts you are not able to derive maximum value out of your 10 pm to 2 am routine- please sleep between 10-11 pm. Wake up at 5 am. Those early hours of the morning will get you a notorious confidence about life. A confidence which will get you those extra very productive early hours at a time when the majority world is sleeping. And I am sure — you would not want to have SEXY thoughts at 5 am. Even Emran Haashmi sleeps at that time 🙂
Be Awesome in Your Own Life
It is not about ‘just sleeping around’. It is about waking up to life. Sex is healthy, meditative and amazing when it happens at the right time and with the right person & most importantly ‘when you are ready’. A relationship that began with lust is likely to come down minutes after the erection subsides. And then girls say- ‘You do not love me anymore’. It is much better being SINGLE than remaining a useless secret in someone’s life. Become ‘AWESOME’ in your own life & get into the other person’s mind first before getting into his / her legs.
Overcoming sex addiction, or any addiction for that matter – is about will power. And will power comes from your deep realization that it is now or never. Here’s something that can help you build a Himalayan Will Power for Success.
Shine on! May the ‘FORCE’ always be with you. I have loved writing about my trysts with and lessons from all relationships around. Do go through the blog posts, in case you would like to read more.
(Disclaimer: The pic of ‘Vicky Donor’ used above has been taken from the internet & has been re-done. The original rights are reserved with the producers of the movie.)