‘Tum kya sach mein itney ……. ho?

— Do you not regularly feel tempted to look at a few of your friend’s FB statuses & write below (the above line) as a comment? But you cannot say it; as it is your friend & it is social media. One wrong comment and he will UNLIKE all your pics that he had LIKED. And the itch keeps on growing (with every blatant display of low IQ & EQ of your friend) & you still cannot scratch that fungal patch.

This blog is dedicated to all those average people who feel helpless because of the ‘LIKE ME’ disease of their ‘#@&%’ friends.

A few extra terrestrial FB updates that showed up on my newsfeed recently:-

1. “Bye bye Delhi. … Missed the Chola Bhatura this time…. so I’ll be back for sure – feeling sad at Terminal 3, IG Airport. Flight late too.”

Really? Delhi has a facebook account? Please pass me the link will ya? I would like to know how it feels that you didn’t eat its Chola Bhatura! By the way, is Delhi male or female? I’m worried about its security!

All said, had you simply concentrated on T3 instead of Facebook, you would have noticed that there is a Chhole Bhature counter there as well. :). Don’t come back. 🙂

‘Being Quiet’ is better than being ‘Quite Shitty’ & sometimes Gluestick could serve a better purpose than a Lipstick.

 

2. Skin infection !!!! Skin infection !!!! Skin infection !!!!…… m damn upset 🙁

Oh my Shehnaz Husain! What do you want me to do? Rub your skin medicine on you? Or the doctor has recommended that likes / comments are the cure? Please go. Take rest. And don’t leave more virus on your computer / mobile if you want to get cured fast.

 

3 A typical girl thanking all on her birthday on FB :-

‘ Had awwwweesssssooommmmeeee time with ma best buddies. by god i wont frget dis bday ever ..i luv you guys so much..muaaah muaaaha muaahaaa ♥♥♥

Madam ji — aapne to ‘Raita hee phailaa diyaa’. Maar Daala ‘Ch’ se ‘Chunni’ baabu ko. .

 

4. “Me / Randomzzzzz / maaaaaaa pictures/ Bas yun hi” ”

Oh My God! You really have to torture your 500 odd friends! Why do you upload 1000 selfies, all looking exactly same? We know it is you. Spare us. Trust me — ‘NO ONE is interested in YOU or your pictures’. And what does ‘randomzzzzz’ mean? Did you fall asleep on ‘z’ while typing? Itney saare extra zzzzzz kahin tumhari constipation ki bimari to nahin dikhatey na ?

 

5. “I’m feeling alone. Can someone come over? – feeling alone at so and so apartments

Beda Garak ! I didn’t really believe I am reading this, till I read it again & then unfollowed the menti-sental person! You are not missing your friend but just missing some attention !!

Are you telling me that you are so boring a company for your own self that you cannot enjoy your own lone time for even one evening? And can’t you just call your friend and ask him/her to come over? Imagine if you are so boring; how boring you will be for your friends.

Satynaas kar doge dost ka bhi !

 

6. Ummmm …. Tastes like heaven.. uplifts your mood in a jiffy .. <3 <3 <3 …. Yumm – eating lindt dark chocolate

Ye update to tabaahi machaa dega. Could you BE more jobless or less attention seeking than this? So you ate chocolate. Abhi taq aisi koi research nahin hui which proves that ‘Hot chocolate’ / Coffee at CCD/ Barista tastes better when you upload its photos on FB’.

 

7. My love for you will neva die. Pls 4give me …. Miss u … come back soon babiiieeeyyyyy – feeling sad

This is one update which is so Zaleel that I have nothing to say. Did you accidentally post this on fb instead of sending it as a personal text? Or did your personal message inbox just vanish? Baby my only issue is that why did he take so long to leave someone as you?

The best part – it does not have a name. So, shall we assume it is for all the 500 friends you have on fb? Are you not scared of Social media AIDS ?

 

8. Gf (on bf’s wall) : Muah. Miss you
Bf (comment) : Me too Babes ! Come over soon…

Feel too tempted to just post in the comment; the link of the song- “Sunn raha hai na tu; Ro raha hoon main”.

In this case; it would certainly not be unkind to throw your girlfriend out of the window & shout , ‘Love Is In the Air Baby’ ?

My sarcasm, my words – everything has failed me right now. The only thing I learn about ‘looouuuu’ from this post – always add mushy couples on your FB together. I owe events like ‘Lovepal Bill’ to these nothing-to-do-in-life-except-waste-time-in-writing-love-letters-on-fb generation.

To be honest, can’t even begin to write about how creepy and useless these PDA updates are. Assures me about the reasons why you ain’t succeeding in life!

 

9. lyz so confusd n unpredictable….a second change d entire lyf ol dreams n wishes simply standder nly dey dnt bcum real….. the happynz n grief r weighing so equal ryt nw dat i dnt knw weder i shuld be happy fr 1 or sad fr oder…

Sorry what? I didn’t bother to read this. And couldn’t read it either. I don’t like to torture myself. Were you sleeping in English class? Or, did you save precious nanoseconds by writing this way. Tysm, hbd, picchaaa, ma, ttyl, ty – wtf are these!

 

10. ‘Happy anniversary honey’. You are always in ma heart. U mean the world to me.

Even if ‘tumhari honey saath waale room mein baitha/ baithi ho’ ?

By God ! Kitney cute ho na tum. Yes! Keep on posting such updates. We are very much interested to know about your love life.

Then there are those species which keeps on changing its DP at FB / whatsapp / bbm etc too frequently. Warning:- People are silently noticing your desperate attempts to get LIKED.

You can go ahead & bash me up with arguments like – FB is for friends & we will write whatever we want / my profile, my update; why do u care so much / you get a life / unfollow or unfriend if it bothers you so much. Maar daalo mereko ! But TAKE IT — What I & a lot of other junta feels for you!

Unfollow is an option that I have misused now. Over – exploited. This emo shit still crops up on my timeline. Looks like, we are becoming more menti-sental than skilled with each passing day.

Whatever you may believe, at any given point, one cannot have more than 3-4 friends who care for you like crazy; can go to any lengths to make you happy, really happy. 95% of the people on your friend list do not give a shit about what’s happening in your life. They have their own demons to fight. And when they see such wannabe attention seeking, narcissist, highly opinionated, not so humble and utterly foolish updates from your side – they are secretly happy that someone else has a more screwed life than theirs. That someone is more foolish than they are. That someone is wasting more time than they are. Sadistic pleasure!

I too post status updates & pictures of my work & family. With greater than 1.25 lakh believers across my social media; I exploit it as a medium to reach out . At times I over do too. All of us do. But yaar —‘Zehar mat phailaao’.

Create not v loud but ‘Silent statements’; maybe.

Desperation repels! Should not there be some mystery about who you are? What is the point of telling every little secret about you to a bunch of people who do not know you / do not care? Over time, you become used to all the attention seeking and unnecessary pampering. There is no way that you can be having FUN in your life if you keep checking your FB/ Whatsapp/ phone after every few minutes.

Even if these arguments do not make sense to you – I’m ok. Your life, your energies, your responsibility to channel them well. I have never understood this philosophy of “kuch bhi kar facebook mein daal” and never will.

Beautiful women & handsome men on Social media come as a package. They bring with them ‘Hazaar emotional & maintenance issues’. If you see closely- it is the Average people who with the ‘right attitudes’ are ACTUALLY having real fun.

Good luck!

Do SHARE this blog with a few of your friends. They need Help ! SHARING options are below and on the sidebar.

You may also like to read : Lovepal Bill & Jab We Internet

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About Author

Akash Gautam is a Motivational Speaker & Corporate Trainer in India. Hundreds of Top Corporates like Google, CIPLA, Vodafone, McKinsey & Co., Maruti, HDFC, RIL, M&M & premier colleges like IIMs, IITs, SRCC etc go to him whenever they need a refreshing, big bang impact. Write to usWrite to us to know how he can transform your Team.

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