It’s either a very common question or a very common problem I see – when someone is talking relationships. And we have all reeled under this. Either suffered at the hands of our own stupid beating heart, or seen people around us suffer as we nodded in disagreement at their stupidity.So, if you have constantly been falling in love with the wrong person, been very frequently saying – ‘Dear Heart, why again?’ – give this blog post a slow, sincere read.
A short story first.
This guy, my cousin – he was a relationship addict. He had this insatiable need to always have someone in his life. Throughout his college life he went from one relationship to another, sometimes double and triple timing as well. Consequently, he never gave himself enough single time to really stop and figure out – what exactly was he looking for. Today, after a broken marriage – he has finally started doing what he should have done two decades ago – Think. Where did he go wrong? Today, he has started focusing on improving his own aura, working on his goals (spiritual, professional, family etc.) and is at more peace than he has ever been.
People often keep jumping relationships and very frequently with the wrong person. Let’s try and diagnose the whys and hows of this ‘falling in love with the wrong person’ phenomenon. The nation wants to know – iska kya karein!
It is OKAY to fall for the wrong person
First things first – it is okay to fall in love with the wrong person. Once. Maybe twice. So don’t beat yourself about it or accumulate regret. Because you would not know someone is wrong till you spend a little time with them. But if you do it the third time again – then I am going to go ahead and call you a little naïve.
It is also important to not fall in love with the same kind of wrong person again and again. It’s one short life. Why do you want to spend time with the same douche bag or douche hand bag (for women) if you know it’s the kind that doesn’t go well with your life.
A relationship should teach you something – about yourself, about what works for you, and about what you want from life. And when you break up – you need to forget that person but not those lessons, not the reason why you broke up in the first place. And next time when you get into a relationship, the same mistakes shouldn’t be repeated. Making the same mistake – that’s something worth regretting.
I know we are all looking for mad, passionate love stories. The kind where there is unconditional love, acceptance and forgiveness; where if one smiles, the other lights up automatically and if one dances, the other’s soul starts grooving. That happens mostly in movies and poetry, and maybe one in a thousand in the real life. The rest 999 of us – we need to work hard on our love stories, our marriages and our loves. We all secretly aspire those love stories but we are mostly not ready to put in the hard work.
And how do you know if someone is right or wrong?
Usually you can figure out if someone is wrong by relentlessly testing them. It’s of course not possible when you are a relationship addict who keeps jumping from one to another. But if you give yourself time to know someone’s heart before falling into their pants (Read: Casual Sex and its Pitfalls), you can figure out people with a decent level of accuracy. This is a common step many people choose to miss these days. Too much hurry to jump into the pool of regrets I guess.
But why this hurry? Why indeed do we keep falling in love with the wrong person?
The biggest is FEAR.
I think – FOMO or Fear of Missing Out – is one of the major reasons why people keep going for the same old. Fear makes people do questionable things. Choice of partner is one of those major wrong decisions. People are often afraid that it won’t get better than this. That this is what they deserve. That there is no one better out there. And if they don’t take this decision now, they are going to miss out on their shot at ‘happily ever after’.
It’s not true. Because if that person is wrong, it is not your happily ever after anyway. At least the ‘happily’ apart is missing from the ever after.
Sometimes, people are just seeking a relationship for the wrong reasons.
Proximity, a need for confidence that ‘I can find a guy/girl if I want to’, a need to feel good about one’s own self, following the herd and being in a relationship because everyone else is and so on! If you are in a relationship for any of the above reasons – do double check once.
There was this girl. Very intelligent and beautiful, but always feeling lonely. She did the same mistake. Chose a guy in close proximity – she knew from the very beginning that it won’t work out. But she went ahead anyway because she didn’t want to be alone. Result – a messy break up and two broken hearts; one slightly less than the other.
Sometimes, the person that is wrong for you is not a bad guy / girl. There is no point in breaking a heart. So if you have figured out that it won’t work, it’s probably best to end it sooner than later; even if you think you are in love.
Love ka kya hai. Even if you say “I love you” some 3 times in your own mind, even to a wrong person you might just crystallize this feeling fully into your mind that you love him or her. Minds are very gullible.
Usually it happens with whoever shows a little care and concern or praises you a bit more or whoever is popular in your friend group. We ourselves are so less adequate in our own mind that people around us or our own weak emotions manufacture consent about who we should fall in love with. Besides, most of these people that we end up choosing are themselves making their way in the world, looking for direction and clarity, looking for answers. How will they ever be the answer to your questions? 🙂
The place where you are looking for love also matters. Fir e.g. if you are looking for your ‘true love’ on tinder, do know that people on Tinder will always have high PQ i.e. promiscuity quotient. Next time you wonder how you end up with all the wrong ones, take a look at the ‘vataavaran’ you are picking them from. Environment has a huge impact on character.
Who is responsible for this frequent falling in love with the wrong person?
I think TV and entertainment have a huge role to play in this constant falling for the wrong person. It perpetrates all kinds of fear among people when it comes to relationships between men and women. Look at what Bollywood portrays! Fears that stalking and borderline harassment are acceptable methods of courting the opposite gender, that looks are more important, that love at first sight exists. And many more.
But these are not true. Stalking is a crime, looks fade unless you can spend insane amount of money on keep looking beautiful and have no time for important things and real love begins after all the excitement of love at first sight is over. Someone who sings ‘tu haan kar ya naa kar … tu hai meri kirannnnn’ is not cute and relentless and does not love you to death. He is creepy and doesn’t know the concept of space. Put as much space between you and him right away!
But our minds have been trained to expect these from a relationship – and not simplicity. We look for excitements and sexcitements, for vanity, for fun. But rarely do we look for true joy.
If you really want to learn, here’s another song for you (from the same movie, ‘Darr’)
“Toot gayi toot ke ma(ture) ho gayi” 🙂
Use your breakups as opportunities to learn more about yourself, to mature as a person, to build more character.
It often so happens that after a broken relationship – we look for that one missing thing in all other relationships and end up ignoring some important red flags. Again, we are so programmed by fear that we invariably end up making the same mistake again. For e.g. if you broke up with someone because he/she was a ‘fattu’, you will keep looking for courage in the next person you date and the presence / absence of that one trait will often cloud your judgement about the presence / absence of other important qualities. Don’t become too emotional.
What you can do to change this?
I have often heard people say –
“I just wish I had someone you know… someone to talk to, someone who would understand me, who gets me…” blah blah.
The first step would be –to step away from such people and such emotions. Are you so boring that you cannot spend some quality time with your own self? How will you ever share good times with anyone else then? If you have so much time to spare, why don’t you work on yourself, your goals, your dreams – on becoming the best version of yourself?
Trust me – when you are doing that, you will stumble on to the right person. Here’s a tip:
The sexiest thing in the opposite gender is not the curves or the six packs. It is their beautiful minds & sorted heads. They usually don’t stand out in the crowd; they are too busy being awesome to try and attract all the attention. So you will have to pick them up from their disguise. They are people with simpler emotions. They are people who you’d love to listen to & talk to for hours (Sexy minds).
They are the people – ‘You just can’t help but fall in love with’. If you ever find any like this – PRESERVE them for a life… They are collector’s items. They are your ‘Notting Hills’ and ‘Walk to Remembers’; the simple ones.
It’s quite simple – “Fall in love with whoever adds genuine value to your life”. For if love happens for any other reason – it will remain fragile.
The answer – DELAY falling in LOVE
See, there is no absolute way of knowing when it’s time to settle or when a person is right. But you can reach a stage in your life when you are capable of making better decisions. I would suggest that you wait till the time you have reached that stage.
And how do you know when you are capable?
It’s when you don’t get easily overwhelmed by things. It’s when you have patience with people and situations. It’s when you can force your mind to not be gullible. Because this is the stage when you can think without being swayed, when you have clarity or at least a sense of direction. When you are more careful and considerate than you are careless.
When you are sorted in your own head, that’s when you can take wiser decisions. Instead of taking popular and cool decisions that appear right on face value but are very low on intrinsic value.
Remember – if you know you are settling for less, you should also know that it means you don’t trust your own self. So – make a choice today. To not give in to FOMO. To not keep falling in love with the wrong person because you think the right person isn’t coming. To not want to find someone for the wrong reasons.
In this sea of chaos, look for genuine. It might take time but it will be the right decision. And it’s okay to come across a few wrong ones in the meantime. If nothing, you can become a motivational speaker on relationships! 😉
Love well 🙂