Just imagine for once-‘If we were to take sex out of our lives. I mean; we keep it only for pro-creation and not for anything more’. Imagine! Scary it will be from the world economy point of view. The candle light dinners at five star restaurants, lagoons, the Valentine’s Day industry, the travels to exotically romantic places, the red wines in costly glasses, the premium gifts, a large part of high end fashion, travel and hospitality industry will take a huge hit. A lion’s part our economy gets it spread in a way that two people could impress upon each other and then make it out in some corner. Precisely the reason why media glorifies sex a bit extra much than it really is. Casual sex and its pitfalls are never highlighted because no one makes money out of it!

Those heartbeat raising advertisements, those movies, those beauty pageant’s swim suit rounds, those sensuous songs shot in exotic locations (and positions too) and much more puts a young person in awe of the word ‘Sex’. This when gets juxtaposed with their own somersaulting hormones can make them do wild, super wild things.

Let me share a small story with you – that runs same, no matter how many different people narrate it:

“So this story is of a young guy, well established in his career. He comes from a great family, good college and is now in a good city – headed for good things in life. He enjoys romantic company and has turned to Tinder on many occasions (as have many of you I am sure). He tells me – he had a few casual relationships where a lot of “booty calls” were made – they enjoyed each other’s company for a few weeks and then swiped right for newer people.

When I asked him again a few days ago about his Tinder trysts, he said he uninstalled the app long ago. It wasn’t working for him. Productive vs reproductive pursuits 🙂

And the same story I have heard some three dozen times from many men and women belonging to the age range of 25-40. That’s why this itch to write this blogpost.

casual-sex-quotes-FWB
(Image courtesy: Pinterest)

This age old mother-daughter wisdom has a beautiful message summarizing casual sex and its pitfalls, and why casual relationships never work –

“My mother used to say, when you hold a guy’s hands your heart flutters, he’s not the one. When you hold his hand and you feel warm and safe, he’s the one.”

Now, I must be coming across as a ‘Papa-preaching’ kind of person but just hear me out. Pls do. What I am saying is not without reason, logic and more importantly, experience. I myself have been a young, random boy and I know how it goes down (even though we didn’t have Tinder back then).

Here are some of the pitfalls of casual sex and why such casual relationships don’t work out well –

  1. There is nothing casual about casual sex

How can there be!

Casual is something you can do anywhere, with anyone, about anything. Can you have sex with just about anyone, at anyplace?

“I don’t want to be wise”, “I do it because it makes me happy”, “What I do with my body should be my choice”, “Why is sex such a taboo in this country of over 1 billion people”, “It’s no one’s business if I do something to make myself happy”:  how people protest when this topic comes up.

And they would be right, if these things were true. No problem with you spending time with whoever you want. It is your life. Concern however is with 1) where it unknowingly leads you to and 2) what about people who are unable to handle it. So, if you are someone who thinks they can fiddle with as many underwears like a boss without losing their shit– you might be too evolved for this post 🙂

casual_sex_is_not_so_casual
(Image courtesy: Baggage Reclaim)

How can a process that creates humans be casual? You are dressing up and then undressing to do this. Doesn’t sound casual at all. Although the TV, Movies and Internet would differ in their view about this (Reason- TRP goals).

What Eastern Philosophy says about the ‘casuality of’ Casual Sex?

Many of us misunderstand ancient Indian yogic philosophy when it comes to casual sex and sexual pursuits, practices of monogamy and moderation, why it does not approve of casual sex etc. That’s because those many of us have never bothered to read those texts.

Without getting into much detail here, let me tell you – the yogic science says our body operates on energy circulation. Sexual energy is the lowest on the energy scoreboard and it originates in the lower most part of the body. Up along the spine, there are six more chakras to unlock, six more powerful energy sources to activate, and six higher levels of joy to experience. If you want to exist on the lowest level of joy and pleasure, so be it!

Moderation is advocated to ensure you find time for higher pursuits. Yes! Sex is important in a relationship but Sex is not the only way to merge. And if it is the only way for someone then that person is lying grossly low on the evolution plane. Otherwise, what do the saints and rishis care – about what you choose to do with your body parts. It is no one’s business but yours – as to which body part you choose to use more, your brains or your genital organs 🙂

If you want to know more, do watch Sadhguru’s take on sex obsession in this amazing video.

  1. Casual Sex creates an illusion of a relationship, not a solid foundation

I know you are getting flashbacks of movies like ‘Friends with Benefits’ and ‘No strings attached’. Come back to the present.

The advent of Netflix, fast internet, the proliferation of sitcoms needs to be treated with caution. I know we are in a global culture but we also need the mental ability to process it and see where it fits in our lives – before blindly accepting everything as suitable and doable just because two actors on TV are doing it.

Yes Joey may have hooked up casually all throughout the 10 seasons of ‘FRIENDS’ but when he really ended up liking Rachel, the casual thing didn’t work. Monica and Chandler had to work really hard on their relationship which started with casual maybe went through a lot of grind. What I am saying is – it won’t be as ‘easy peasy’ as all the Hollywood rom-coms make it look like. They never show what happens after the honeymoon period because that’s when all hell breaks loose–

When you have sex too quickly, you are mostly letting your hormones do the talking. Logic, judgement and clothes are usually out of the window. It is like a drug high. When the high ends, chances of it ‘becoming’ your dream relationship are very rare. If at all it sustains, it will take a really long time and hard work to turn it into a workable relationship. And now you probably don’t like that talking, thinking, clothed person but you have come too far.

Why not put in that level of work from the start!

I am not saying it is not fun and exciting. It sure is. But maybe only for those 15-20 minutes when the endorphins made you think you two have so much in common and this should never end.

Sex often creates an illusion of a relationship. But it does not lay a solid ground for one. In the heat of the moment, people say things they probably mean at that point. But when they go back and heartbeat is back to normal, most people don’t intend to act on them. A calm heart makes the best decisions, not a raging libido 🙂

illusion_of_relationship
(Image courtesy: Princess Deficit)

You can recover from it twice, maybe thrice. But it is like getting addicted to substance. Every time you use, you need a little bit more to get high. But when you come crashing down to reality, the fall is harder than the last. Till you reach a point of no return and all reality is lost. I know people who get so addicted to this impulsive instant ‘feel-good’ gratification that they don’t want to invest in a real relationship. Casual sex is too easy. But its pitfall is that – it makes you more and more commitment phobic, as every time you get attached a little and it doesn’t work out – you go one step back. It never takes you forward.

  1. Casual relationships have short shelf lives

Sometimes, I really want to go ahead and do a market research on the shelf life of the app ‘Tinder’. It has become the poster child app for casual sex, one night stands and casual relationships. And it is leaving behind many dissatisfied customers. 🙂

Could it so be – because these casual relationships have a short life span?

I have many misgivings about my understanding of sex as casual. You are choosing to be “nangu pangu” in front of someone and you are saying:

  • You don’t want to know about him,
  • You don’t want to be exclusive,
  • It’s okay since you are using protection (BTW, there are STDs that can get transferred even with protection)
  • You are willing to go near someone’s privates without knowing the level of hygiene they maintain, their physical habits, their health issues etc.

Call it ‘backward’ but makes NO SENSE WHATSOEVER to me! I am old school and happy to be. I’m not saying ‘save yourself for marriage’. But I am requesting that you exercise caution, and get to know someone before taking this step. And if even after knowing someone it doesn’t work out, then you would know – you tried your level best not to get hurt, you took care of yourself!

See- majority junta is moving around wearing masks. You would be much better in your heart and soul when you take their masks off first before you take off their lingerie.

There is a PATTERN to all this.

Firstly, I have a bone to pick with bar pickups. I am working with the assumption that most bar encounters end in casual sex. So my problem is this mixture of alcohol and raging hormones. Why can’t people pick each other at book stores! At max it would lead to a ‘casual conversation’ and everyone will go home happy and emotionally unhurt. And even better – intellectually satisfied! I find that to be a more provocative deal).

Anyway, you picked someone at the bar. You went on and did all the stuff. You met again a couple of times. You laughed together, you got interested in each other lives. You slowly became friends with benefits. But as you dug deeper, you found their life wasn’t that interesting. Two scenarios here:

  1. Even if it is interesting – the premise was casual. So this casual-ness will always be the common point in your relationship. You both caught a stray and used it for your pleasure. So what if things became serious after that! The reason you met is because you both thought casual sex is fine. If it was okay before, it is often assumed to be okay in the future too. One reason why so many divorces happen because of cheating spouses! For them, causal is okay.
  2. You were casual from the beginning and you conveyed it. But when the other person started showing more interest, you started freaking out. You nodded and portrayed everything is fine but inwardly you cringed about ‘ye kya ho raha hai mere saath’! You started avoiding that person and it just starts going south from there. Soon it all becomes too complex. Painful too.

Everyone realizes it sooner than later that ‘Sex is not ethereal but ephemeral’. I know of friends who are into casual relationships (they think) but end up wanting more, that ‘wanting more’ not getting reciprocated and then jumping on to the next casual one. Is that working in the best of your interest? I am just looking out for you here.

And the pattern continues. Very few people have the courage to stop themselves from slipping into this rabbit hole of feel-good, short term, fun, casual relationships based on booty calls and casual sex. What sitcoms don’t show you is how it leads to loneliness, anxiety, depression and commitment issues as the aftermath of ‘being the cool dudes and chicks”.

casual_sex_doesn't_work
(Image courtesy: The New Yorker)

It is not that that those who indulge in casual sex have moral flaws. What you do with your time and body is your prerogative and no one’s business, as long as you don’t hurt anyone. But what about the hurt you cause yourself – by rabbiting down the depression hole, consistent emptiness, loneliness- the genesis of which is usually when your sewers meet some random else’s gutters.

From where I stand, ‘fuck’ and ‘focus’ don’t really go hand in hand because the mind doesn’t forget. Neither does the body. We get used to bodies like google saves your ‘search hits’ and preserves cookie data for the next time you are in such a situation. (Read Vicky Loner for more)

That’s why, it often so happens that people keep going back to their douchebag hook-ups even after they have been treated unfairly and disrespectfully. They are so desperate, they can’t say no even if it kills their self-respect. Don’t feed those people who do not have the basic human tendency to treat you well even if it was just a casual relationship. Have the courage to say no to lower standards wherever possible.

To share with you my experiences, to write about things as it is – is my job as a Motivational Speaker and Blogger. Beyond that, I have no intention of being patronizing and giving you gyaan. I mostly operate on the law of averages. If you think you are an exceptional case who can handle such relationships and still be 100% focused on your goals, dreams, targets or whatever – by all means, feel free to ignore this post.

The funny part though – I never came across anyone who had huge dreams but wanted to screw around with the opposite (or the same) sex. Somehow, they just never had enough time for it. They wanted to increase productivity, not reproductivity! 🙂

Akash Gautam

About Author

Akash Gautam is a Motivational Speaker & Corporate Trainer in India. Hundreds of Top Corporates like Google, CIPLA, Vodafone, McKinsey & Co., Maruti, HDFC, RIL, M&M & premier colleges like IIMs, IITs, SRCC etc go to him whenever they need a refreshing, big bang impact. Write to usWrite to us to know how he can transform your Team.

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