Rumi once said, “The crack is where the light enters you.”
And you will never know this for sure till you get your heart broken. I think, among the people reading this right now, anyone who had their heart broken at least once in their life will agree with this. Because a heartbreak teaches you more about love than a relationship ever can. All it needs is some superb motivational thoughts and that’s what I am going to try and give you in this blog post.
Till the time you do not suffer from loss of love, you will never really know what loving and losing means. You will not be able to appreciate the finer nuances of a relationship, and you will never know what you want and what you do not want. And a heartbreak doesn’t mean that you have to be separated from your partner. Sometimes, people stay put in tough relationships with difficult partners and suffer minor heartbreaks every day. Their reasons could be many. But it’s their choice.
Let me share this with you, given the amount of heartbreaks I had 🙂 – it doesn’t matter in the long run, if you decide now that you won’t let it matter. And before you dismiss my casual treatment of these heartbreaks, let me tell you – when they happened, they meant a lot to me! What I am trying to say is – don’t judge people for their heartbreaks. Just be there for them. Sometimes people are just too young to understand, sometimes too blind. But almost always – the pain eventually fades, the bag of grief shrinks in size and people find ways to placate their suffering with dosage of logic and hope.
Do you know why? Because the heart doesn’t want to be sad. The mind has better things to do. I am telling you – it is only the shitty Bollywood that plays tricks with you! On a serious note, what does a broken heart crave for really? Past memories? The answer is NO.
Think about it. What the heart craves for really is the future that it thought it would have but has now vanished from the horizon. A whole bunch of plans, dreams and hopes pinned on a person – all gone. It really is the non-existent future that a person misses after a heartbreak, a hope for a repetition of the beautiful past memories – something that won’t happen now.
But then – even after the worst breakup, one sleeps at night and wakes up in the morning. The world doesn’t come to an end. The sun doesn’t stop shining. Nature doesn’t stop being beautiful and chaotic at the same time. The clock still keeps ticking. And most important of all – your heart still keeps beating. If nothing else is comprehensible to you in those bouts of despair, shut out all and listen to your heart closely in silence. You will hear the same rhythmic thump of your mighty heart, the size of your fist – beating. Apparently in pain but still pumping in oxygen, throwing out carbon dioxide and refreshing your body with every beat, keeping it healthy.
And it won’t stop beating. This bloody heart. Even when you would at times wish that the world should just stop because your love went unrequited. It won’t stop thumping even when your mind just refuses to let you do anything. There will probably be days when you are too sad to get out of the blanket, eat or come out of your PJs. You will feel that the sadness is all-encompassing and will engulf you into its black hole. But that broken heart will still be pumping. Why?
Because it is alive.
And so are you. And that’s all you need to get up and live another day. Because no matter what happens, till your heart is beating, it is a strong signal that your body wants to live. So shut that part of your brain that is feeding you all those dismal and mopey signals. And how do you do that? By feeding your brain with these motivational thoughts:
- You are not the first one.
And you most certainly won’t be the last. Look around you. There are innumerable unrequited / broken / one sided love stories. There is no problem in this world, on which there is no book. Which means, someone somewhere in some part of this huge yet extremely small (in comparison to the milky way) world has suffered and pulled through.
You are not alone in this. I have had the opportunity to counsel many youngsters on their relationship problems during the course of my career as a Motivational Speaker for the youth. I draw from their experiences, their good and bad outcomes and then draft my suggestions. And this experience tells me that thousands are going through your pain. It just marks and end to a phase of your life. The faster you move to the next one, the better it is for you. And the more you hold on to that pain, the farther you move away from the world. Trust me, you will wake up one day. And when that happens, you wouldn’t want to look around and find that the world has moved far beyond.
- Life won’t change if you start living inside the blanket.
You know, the internet tries to normalize depression. Like it normalizes disease. I don’t think the ill and sick need to be cooed over. Don’t go gaga over someone who is unwell, keeping extra care. It sounds counter-intuitive and weird right?
What I mean is – do not fuss over an unwell person too much. For then, they won’t have a strong enough incentive to be well soon. Care for them from a distance. Observe so that they don’t get hurt but be strict, be exact with them, a little distant even. And use this very same logic for your broken heart.
I know too well, the want to live your days sleeping off. Because “mann nahi lagta kisi kaam mein”. Don’t let this feeling last. God forbid if you suffer from BHD (Broken heart disease) in winters. Because then it will take you immense will power to just get out of bed and out of hibernation. (I know I am making super sense to many people right now). Don’t let your heart make you believe that it is okay to be sad. For, it is not.
Your heart, beating with a speed of 70-80 times per second wants to live happily. Something is stopping it. And telling it that it is okay to be sad, despaired or depressed over a person – is not going to help it. At all. Because life never happens when you keep sleeping to avoid facing your issues. It happens when you move ahead despite them.
- Confront your thoughts
I once read a friend’s interview. In the section, “what is it about yourself that you are proud of?” he wrote – “That I never lie to myself”. I thought it was very profound, given he was only 18 at that point. It takes a wise man to never lie to himself. Because most of us do. You want example? Here it is – “Let me watch this movie today. I can always study tomorrow” – We do this knowing fully well that the tomorrow will come at the 11th hour only. We know our nature. Yet we lie to ourselves.
So don’t keep telling yourself that you are fine, that nothing has happened and it’s all cool. Because it isn’t. The first step for you to mend your broken heart is to know how it broke. Be hurtfully truthful to yourself about what went wrong in your relationship. Find out which was the blow that severed your heart into broken pieces. Who dealt the blow? Whose mistakes led to these outcomes? And do not shy away from admitting your own faults.
Being truthful to yourself will help you learn things about yourself. It will tell you what kind of a person you are, and the qualities that you would admire / loathe in your partner. You will come to know what you truly want out of your relationship (that’s what Rumi means too). So, a heartbreak essentially makes you a better person by revealing previously hidden knowledge about your own self. Provided you don’t totally lose your head and become a raging maniac imbibing dangerous qualities to forget the pain of heartbreak. Don’t stoop to that level.
Because no matter how hard you try to go back in life by indulging in these, time stops for none. And it might be just too late when you wake up.
- Something good will come out of it.
This has been one of my most profound experiences. My heartbreak not only brought in new light, it totally changed my life. I have newer and stronger aims in my life, and I am trying to not repeat those mistakes again.
You too can take away some profound learning. Maybe you will realize that he/she was not the right person. And this break up will actually push you towards better people. Or towards higher notches in life, whichever way they choose to pan out. Maybe once you are apart you will realize that they are better off without you, and you are better off without them. Maybe your breaking up is doing some good to the other person.
Maybe you will have learned a thing or two about extremely over-used but hardly understood qualities like trust and honesty in a relationship. It is funny you know. People have their ideas about truth. They think partial dishonesty is acceptable if you are trying to not hurt someone. But I have learned it the really hard way – it doesn’t work like that. You should tell the complete truth. You owe your partner this much. There is no replacement of veracity in a relationship. For it is the best way to live with a conscience as light as a feather. Dil pe koi bojh nahi hoga. This was the good that came out for me. It could be anything for you. But it will not be a complete waste of time. Something good will come out of it 🙂
- It doesn’t matter, in the larger picture.
That must sound like such a mean thing. But when you have lived a little more, maybe a decade more, you will know I am telling the truth.
Today love seems like to be the heart of life. You will soon realize that human love, mundane love, people love – is all just a part of life. It is only the divine that lasts forever. Rest everything is palpably ephemeral in this speck of the universe that we call earth and where we occupy a microscopic area in comparison. We are not that important! We can’t be.
Be it love marriage or arrange, after 2 years and 2 kids – it looks alike. Because after the love and the honeymoon, life happens to most relationships. So fret not. If your relationship couldn’t stand the test of time, is it not better actually? Because now you will know this is one bridge you won’t be trapped under, had it accidentally fallen while you were on it.
The larger goal in any humanly privileged life should be to be able to help those in need and live as righteously as possible. A consummated love story is just a tiny speck in the larger realm of your purpose. It doesn’t matter in the long run whether your heart suffered or not. What matters is, were you able to pull it up or not.
I am not trying to undermine the pain of a broken heart. Mental pain is so much more unbearable than physical pain because there is no instant pain killer fix available for it. But what I am trying to say is – these motivational thoughts might help you or someone you think is in dire need. Find a way to fix your heart. Because there is a lot to do in this world, in order to be able to do justice to this human form.
But always remember – a heartbreak is an avenue for opening new doors. Keep those doors of your heart wide open. Let the light come in. And do not for a second believe that love is worthless. The love in your heart takes you places and makes you do such grand things. Everything you feel is a manifestation of love, even your passion towards your dreams and goals.
Signing off with two lines from Sir Alfred Lord Tennyson,
“I hold it true, whatever befalls
I feel it when I sorrow most
‘Tis better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all”.