We learn so many ‘just not so useful’ subjects & lessons in our schools and colleges. Unfortunately, the ones which matter the most are not taught there. We learn some of those through experiences and sometimes those experiences only become a ‘painful eye opener’. Marriages these days are failing at the rate of the frequency of advertisements between cricket matches.
‘How & from where do I find a right guy / girl for myself’ is a question which I answer almost weekly through my inbox & phone. Hence, this blog post. It contains all that I have been answering all these years.
Most marriages in India are about “when” and not about “if”. Most people marry for getting to their lives an emotional anchor and financial stability but most who marry for the above two reasons – do not know how to shoulder any responsibility with patience and grace. We today are not looking for love but expecting the other person to bring excitements, zing & thrills into our life. Face it but we are marrying for conveniences and have become far too intelligent for love inside our own marriages.
Marriage is a gamble. You could just be simply lucky in yours without any of these pointers below. However, how many times did you win a lottery or a game of gambling? Loving someone logically is the flavour of season because we just do not know ‘how is it to love someone madly or even normally’? So, this blog about why most marriages are failing & how you could be lucky in yours. This is ALL that I so would want to shout into your ears 🙂
- An infatuation marriage- Please don’t marry the person too fast and in a hurry. It’s like you ‘Accept the terms and conditions ‘ like you accept on some website in a hurry. You do the same when you just want to hurry yourself into the relationship. Soon the terms and conditions become evident when time passes and it is then that the shockers come. At times people could also just be faking / hiding things about them (initially).
It’s like the other person has 12 aspects to his / her personality and you just hurriedly sign up the deal by getting impressed with the evident quality after looking at only 2 or max 3. The remaining 10 will screw you after the honeymoon after you both are done screwing each other in the honeymoon.
Or even if you try to look into the other 10 features you yourself (in an inebriated temptation state) are too much into a hurry to just get done with the checking. Societal pressure too could influence your haste. Whichever the case be- 80% discounted stuff can’t last long be it husbands or wives or the Benetton clothes.
If it is an arranged marriage- even if your parents suffocate you to marry- do not. Do not marry till you yourself have spent good, wise time CT Scanning the person you intend to spend your life with. Test it out even if it means that you become a slight rebel. Marrying near 30 or in early 30s is absolutely OK today (But delaying it beyond 35 may not be a very wise idea).
- Don’t trust the potential of a person. Date his/ her current status. A good current status has a higher chance to lead to a better future than a random exhibit of promise from your love interest. Do this very important exercise:-
Just make a list of 5 habits / tendencies of the guy / girl you are seeing / dating. Look very closely for these 5 pointers. You can do that by spending time or asking questions or by seeing he / she behave with his family or friends or colleagues or even how he attends the random or promotional customer care calls. Recheck these 5 points very closely.
Now multiply these 5 points by 10 to make the intensity of them 10 times. You will actually be marrying THIS person after a few years. Does this person suit you?
E.g. if a guy is Tooooo much of a Maama’s boy then after marriage this too much has the highest chance of becoming TOOOOOOOOO much and not Tooo much or if he is abusive on one occasion, chances are he will be on many others too in future. Or if a girl doesn’t have depth in her personality (way too much into show-off, getting up very late or too much gossip or poor empathy levels or more) then post marriage the shallowness will only multiply. Do not ignore the subtle cues that you get.
Reason: – Our true nature really, really comes out when we have achieved something. Before owning that thing; we may just we faking it up slightly. People like clothes; show their true colours only after the first few washes. Make sure that you satisfy yourself if not fully but at least 80%. The rest 20% should also be an objective gut-check and not his / her butt-check 🙂
Without doing this exercise and getting into a marriage straight; you might be just walking blindfolded into an apparels store and picking up some random apparel based on feel and touch and then owning it up for life. It may fit you very well but chances are very high that you in the dark passion picked up a lingerie type thing (which can never keep care of you in the winter of your life).
‘Ladka IIM pass out hai’ 🙂 . Marry the person & not his Resume or Bank statement alone. If qualifications & or bank balances only are the sole premises of your marriage decision then even if you religiously read that person’s CV & Bank statement three times a day for the rest of your married life- you will never be happy.
Basically- dispassionately check the person as close as you can over a period of time. See how he or she responds to situations. What are the keywords he uses to describe his past? How has he grown, what is his attitude to life? Is he/she well read and well soaked. Even see his / her Family. What are their attitudes to life? It wouldn’t be un-intelligent to even have a look at the Genetics of that person. Two family histories of rampant diabetes when mate -will not create sweet children but children on insulin. Love is blind but don’t be blindfolded.
Doing all of these might sound too huge or an over-meticulous an act but trust me this is as important as wearing the seat belt of your car during the Himalayan car rally.
And while you do all this -two acts can genuinely cloud your clarity of determining the above about your person:-
- Sex :- Do not have it too early. It will color your clarity as hormones will take over. Get to know the other person’s mind first before you know his/ her body.
- Praises :- Don’t be seduced by praises. If there is one thing which can kill your common sense then it is ‘Your praise’. Basically do not mix emotions. You can do it by simply delaying the feeling of falling in love.
- Know your own self & your own deficiencies first before committing to a relationship.
If you don’t know yourself you will end up screwing more lives than just yours. E.g. if you have a history of failed relationships. Stop & Pause then. It is you who you have to find first. See if your own deficiencies match this person. No one will or can fill up your deficiencies if your own EQ is in the ICU.
Know yourself very minutely closely. Do you prefer & value equality in your relationship or something else e.g. worldly benefits. The code is simple: – Discipline to know yourself first and work hard to work on things that you know about your own-self. That’s what astrology does. This science knows you and then matches your strengths and weaknesses with a potential mate. So, if you do not believe in Astrology, you take the logic. And replicate it yourself. Gone are the days when people used to look for ‘soul mates’. Search your own soul first and then look for a mate.
- It may sound harsh but accept it if you can- ‘Marriage is never of Equals’. So, be comfortable in your own skin. Know your privileges and responsibilities. We are not America. We have our traditions. Respect them. They guarantee equality in the long run. In short term it might seem lopsided.
And if your affection is limited to the person only- don’t marry. Marriage is between families. Cannot embrace the other person’s family? Do not marry him / her. Families are the insurance when things go wrong. Marry the family & not just the person.
In summary -what I have realized is that marriages fail before the marriage. Don’t marry for love for it will vaporise within the first few months of marriage. Marry for something which actually determines the success of your rest of your life.
OK! If you are married already then any of the above is obviously inapplicable 🙂 . Your best position is to not to find the right person (outside your marriage) but to genuinely try to love the person who you have already found.
All I hear these days is people blaming their partners for their sadness and looking outside for fulfilment. This extramarital fulfilment could take the shape of infidelity or sometimes people turn to finding solace in their work or excessive TV or even alcohol or anti-depressants.
Yes, you could temporarily fall in love outside & could mis-guidingly calm & comfort yourself for some time. But you cannot run away from your reality. The answers to your confusions & meanderings do NOT lie outside your relationship. They lie within it. If your spouse is not your best friend (for whatever reasons or for whosoever’s fault)- then you might do whatever worldly else in your life- you can never ever be happy.
If your marriage is not naturally easy & is turbulent- you have to work on your marriage day in and day out. It takes patient time, a huge effort and an enormous mental energy. And most importantly, it demands Maturity. You’ll have to cleverly & wisely figure out ways and methods to make it work. There is no other way.
Staying inside the marriage therefore has to be a ‘very strong decision’ & not just a changing by the week feeling. My wife Ritika showed hazaar patience with the extremely impatient me during the first few years of our marriage. Even now, for every 10 errors that I make; she makes almost none. Her very strong decision to be patient with me all these years helped crumble and demolish most of my flippancies. Had she been not as mature as she is- it would have been a disaster.
Minimum one of the two in the relationship HAS to have that king size maturity & patience of mending things out. If both are GEETA & BABEETA (of Dangal) then marriage will not stay a marriage but will become WWF of egos. Ever wondered why our Daadis/ Naanis had no divorce. I once read that is because they believed in mending things if broken instead of throwing them away. So, one of the two will need to patiently wait for the other person to melt down. This decision to do or not to do is entirely personal & should be based on purely ‘Strong Gut Check’ & not sheer impulses or societal pressures.
One sure shot way to let your marriage degrade is if you allow any random reason to minimize or break the communication between the two of you. Do not assume. Communicate. I have been a Trainer for 16 years now & I have found 160+ marriages where the problem was improper or insufficient communication (usually because of self-assumed issues).
Sort your head out you husbands as to what exactly you want from your wives – cleaner homes, disciplined and academically brilliant kids, their salary, fun and creativity in their communication with you, great food, wow sex, great Bahu status or etc etc. Only 2 or 3 of the above things are possible. Your wife is not a superman to do it all for you. And let me tell you even if she were to; you will still not be happy (like the bosses in corporate are never ever happy with the people who report to them). You still will dig one area about her and criticise her.
Quite similar for wives. Please communicate the above issue boldly and clearly to your husbands. Don’t assume that he would understand and love you inspite of anything. 11 out of 10 men don’t understand the sentiments of their ladies. How can yours. A man’s ego & a lady’s emotions – these are the only two trouble makers in the whole institution of marriage. Where does one run away to when the house doesn’t remain a home? So, thrash the differences out. And right communication at the right time with your partner can solve almost everything (if the intent is to solve and only if egos are buried during that conversation). (Check out my blogpost: 7 Habits of Highly Ineffective Communicators)
The biggest worldly bliss in life (in & after) 30s is a ‘Happy Married Life’ & a partner who is genuinely a partner. It makes up for every other deficiency. Lack of it leads to every other deficiency.
May God & Gurus bless you with the wisdom to create ‘Happy Married Life’ bliss. It is intoxicating if it comes. Create it, sip it & savour it. One Life!